FaLaLa Loving an Addict During the Holidays

Growing up, the holidays were my favorite time of the year; I loved spending time with family, the traditions we used to share, and of course anxiously waiting for Santa to bring presents for my sister and I to open together. Then I grew up and my sister became an addict and slowly faded out of the family picture. In her place are her two young children that my parents are now raising for her. To say my parent’s plates are full is an understatement. The strict parenting rules we once had as children are now out the window and their home runs on chaos and a whole lot of “Sure, do whatever you want. Just give me five minutes to myself, please”. My sister currently lives on the streets and our relationship is almost non-existent after many years of trauma therapy and learning to set boundaries. My parents have a complicated relationship with her, choosing to enable her at times but cutting her off when her begging becomes too excessive to handle. As a structured and disciplined parent to my own child, we become extremely overwhelmed when we visit my parents and the kids for the holidays. Will my sister show up in the middle of dinner pleading for money? Will my rambunctious nephew throw a tantrum if he doesn’t get to open his gifts when he wants to? As you can imagine, for me, the holiday season is always accompanied by stress, guilt, and sadness.

These feelings can be challenging to deal with when all around you people are singing about how this is “the most wonderful time of the year.” How do you handle so many advertisements and movies promoting family togetherness if you deal with family chaos or you feel conflicted about spending time with them? What do you do with so many messages about everything being “merry and bright” when the thought of the holidays quite literally makes you feel cold and dark?

Truthfully, for many this is the most difficult time of the year. NAMI found in 2014 that 64% of people with mental illness say their conditions are worsened by the holidays. If you find yourself feeling depressed or anxious for the holidays, you’re certainly not alone. Here are a few ways you can prioritize your mental wellbeing during this stressful time:

Feel Your Feelings

We often complicate the holidays with unrealistic expectations, trying so hard to create a picture-perfect day or to relive the memories from when we were younger. In doing so, we set ourselves up for disappointment when things don’t go as planned.

Appreciate Those Who Are There

When our family member is struggling with addiction, it’s natural to give them all of our attention, whether they’re present or not. We can become fixated on the empty chair at the kitchen table, consumed by worry or anger. In doing so, we often neglect those who are actually there with us.

Let’s make a conscious effort to notice and appreciate the family members who show up, who are truly present, and who want to share the holiday with us. We can also involve other loved ones in creating a plan for a better day.

Start Your Own Traditions

With addiction now part of our holiday reality, it’s a chance to create new traditions that support our mental health and bring us peace. Old family traditions aren’t set in stone, and we don’t have to wear ourselves out to enjoy the season.

Instead of striving for the perfect dinner or holiday home, we can focus on the things that truly bring us joy. Take a moment to ask yourself, “What would make me happy this holiday season?” Maybe it’s a day spent binge-watching your favorite Netflix series, ordering takeout from your favorite restaurant, or even something simpler. 

Practice Intentional Gratitude

In the holiday chaos, it’s easy to lose sight of what the season is really about. So, what are the holidays truly about? It depends on the holiday, but most center around gratitude: taking the time to notice and appreciate the people and moments that bring meaning to our lives.

How do we cultivate gratitude? By being intentional. We need to pause, breathe, and focus on the family and friends who are present. We have to create space to appreciate the small, beautiful moments that often go unnoticed.

At first, it may feel hard to find gratitude, especially when addiction has left such a deep impact on our family. But once we begin, we’ll start to see how much there is to be thankful for. Life is full of quiet beauty, and by focusing on our own healing journey, we’ll become more attuned to the little things that make it special.