Anxiety and Avoidance

Being afraid of something is probably one of my least favorite experiences on this planet. And I’m not talking about snakes, or heights, or any other monster underneath the bed. For me, most of the things I’m afraid of are circumstances that relate to painful experiences with people. Especially conflict. I avoid it like the plague, which, and this is beyond aggravating, often just makes the eventual conversation worse than it ever would have been if I had dealt with the issue sooner. And yet, I still can find myself choosing to avoid rather than to engage.

I grew up in a family where Mom and Dad handled conflict, at least it seemed to us kids, primarily by yelling at each other. Minor things, like there not being any milk left in the morning for coffee and/or cereal, would end up with the whole house hearing, “Who drank the last of the MF’ing milk!?” It didn’t take me very long to learn that admitting truth, sometimes, meant I would suffer. It was safer to lie, and/or just not reveal the truth to my parents.

Basically, I learned to trust that something bad would happen to me when I admitted to a failure, mistake, or sometimes just normal life stuff that kids do. I learned to project adequacy and competence, and to hide my weaknesses and faults. Eventually, as you can imagine, this approach introduced me to one of my least favorite words on the planet – Anxiety. Anxiety, the overall sense of dread and doom regarding future experiences. Because I had been taught that bad things happen when certain truths are told, I learned to try to manipulate outcomes to avoid what I didn’t like.

In some ways, I guess I can say I learned to try to control things that were really outside of my ability to control. Especially the reactions people have with me. I often call myself a walking contradiction because the very love, grace, and compassion I believe we all need and I work to give to clients, actually often causes me to feel anxiety if I am the one that needs it. My body tells me not to trust others with the real me with feelings that remind me of getting in trouble. So, I often avoid reaching out for help and try to deal with whatever it is alone.

Now for the most crummy part, the only way I can overcome this difficulty in life, is by choosing to engage even though my emotional experience and thought life are pushing me to avoid. The longer I wait, the more intense the anxiety feelings become. It’s almost like part of me knows I need something, while another says, “Too bad, it’s not safe.” It’s easy to believe my feelings, but it’s also, at least in this dynamic, going to keep me stuck and alone; with yucky feelings that will arise again in the near future as they always do.

So, how can I get through this? What steps can I intentionally take that might help me learn that past painful experiences do not necessarily determine future events? One of the most powerful things I have slowly been learning to trust is sharing myself, my difficulties, or even just a specific problem with a friend who isn’t involved with the issue. Most of the time, I don’t need anyone to actually fix anything, but just to listen to me. Being able to talk through difficult feelings seems to help me calm down to be able to see more clearly. Being reminded that I’m lovable, despite my emotions sometimes telling me otherwise, is a road I can choose to walk whenever I wish if I am willing to share the need with someone who cares about me.
I know I’m not alone in this struggle. Which is encouraging, if only because it means most of my friends and family understand how hard anxiety can be and can relate to me. Fear is such a powerful emotion and we’re hard wired to respond to what our feelings tell us. But, we can also learn that what was painful in the past doesn’t, necessarily, exist in our present if we are willing to try again. For me, this means I have the power to choose to open up and share my struggles with others, even though it feels dreadful. Eventually, with enough practice it’s not going to feel so scary anymore.