A Little Help From My Friends

A few years back, I went through some very difficult experiences smashed together in a short manner of time. I experienced loss, on a significant level, in multiple facets of life. My marriage and career were impacted, and I also experienced the loss of a parent. It sounds like a country music song, except there didn’t seem to be a silver lining to it all in the chorus. In many ways I didn’t know how to handle the situation, and looking back, I think I have learned some lessons that may be helpful to others. In reality, I am still learning how to put these ideas into practice, but I am learning to be tender with myself as I learn and grow.

One of the things I have learned about life is that we are all wired for connection/attachment. We need people in our lives that we feel safe with, especially during times of intense emotional distress. One of the main drivers that leads to the difference between coping and thriving, is the amount of social support available during times of distress. While self love is quite important, it is actually the loving care from others that reminds me of my lovability when I am hurting. In reality, we all NEED other people to be able to lean on sometimes.

Unfortunately, in my case, while I knew this to be true, old wounds from parents, mentors, and my own shame had created an emotional block to admitting my need for love and care. Instead of reaching out for the comfort I needed, I resorted to attempting to manage my own distress through distraction, drinking too much, and pretending that everything was fine and dandy. As you can imagine this only compounded my struggle, in fact creating new difficulties on top of everything else. “I’m OK,” with a smile is what my friends and family would see, while really I was deeply hurting and feeling alone.

Some say that pain is what motivates change, especially when there is resistance for whatever reason. In my case this has proven true, I had to really reach the place of feeling life was unbearable before I felt motivated enough to push through my fear of opening up. Hopefully it won’t always be this way, as I learn to trust others with me. Thankfully, I am growing in this ability to trust grace and allow others into my story. What about you? Are you secretly dealing with pain, loss, shame that seems too much to allow others to see? If so, what is keeping you from reaching out? It only takes one brave moment of vulnerability, with someone you feel safe with for our inner world to start to change and heal.

I sometimes think about the power it seemed Mom had when I was little, as she could make my pain go away by simply kissing an owie when I showed it to her. And yet, I find myself as being very much the same today as a grown man. When I show an area of pain to another, and get the sense that they see it and care about it, somehow my level of distress decreases. It is this reminder that helps me remember we are all in this together, and it’s good to have a little help from our friends.