Self Care Part 2

Some years back I attended a weekend counseling/therapy retreat. One of the presenters talked about his own journey of healing, and how his process of learning to care for himself meant he had to confront the self image he had constructed over the years. Why? He explained that until his self image healed from the impact of his childhood hurts, he often didn’t consider himself “worthy” of being cared for well. In fact, efforts at self love, and receiving love from others, often would be met with resistance from within. He admitted that sometimes, even brushing his teeth was met with internal apathy.

In some aspects, the idea of caring for one’s self is rooted in our understanding of our own self worth. Is it worth taking the time to rest? Is it worth taking the time to make sure I am groomed well? Am I worthy for the care I need? My own sense of worthiness will influence how I treat myself and how I allow others to treat me. If, for whatever reason, I have come to answer the question of my own worthiness for care with a no, I will be conflicted emotionally whenever I encounter love from another or at the trying to practice a self care activity. If motivation is rooted in what one values, does it make sense that learning to love myself will increase the motivation to do so?

One time when I was still a counseling student I volunteered to do a therapy session with a counselor whose supervisor was a friend of mine. She needed it for a certification she was seeking, and I was glad to be available. Just trying to be helpful, I had no idea what was in store for me, as the session led to one of the more impactful emotional experiences I have had in recent memory. As the counselor walked me through some questions of my current emotional experience, we ended up landing on my difficulty receiving compliments from others. After a bit more digging, she looked at me and said, “Oh! Your receiver is broken!” I immediately started crying. She had hit the nail on the head which allowed tears from being seen to flow. 

For a multitude of reasons and experiences, often despite best intentions, parts of my heart had come to the conclusion that I was not worthy to be cared for by others. It has taken me many years to recognize this about myself, which includes allowing myself to grieve the reality that my belief of unworthiness has led to the experience of not receiving love that was available and offered at important times in my life. My self concept inhibited others from caring for me, despite their best intentions and efforts.

Sometimes figuring out where/how to start the journey of self care can be overwhelming. Last week we ended with the idea of starting to ask ourselves, to listen to what our hearts may be telling us. This week we’re discussing how our self image can influence our ability to care for ourselves well. How do you answer the question of your own sense of worthiness for love and care? Once we begin to pay attention to our inner world, we may not necessarily, especially at first, enjoy the experience. Especially depending on how much pain resides there. And yet, the pain shows us what it is that we deeply long for. As we allow ourselves to feel the sorrow and grief of what has been missing, we grow in our awareness of what it is we really want. Awareness invites opportunity.