Every Rose Has a Thorn

Is there such a thing as being too positive? Gratitude and thankfulness are powerful tools we can all employ that can really impact our mood throughout the day. Some folks believe that we attract what we think and talk about, and as such work hard to avoid thinking about or mentioning anything negative. While this may seem to be a relatively easy way to enjoy life without any of the ick, difficulties, or pain it is my opinion that sometimes life is hard and it’s OK to admit this. Sometimes we all need comfort, support, and a place to cry and grieve and the last thing we need in these times of difficulty and distress are hollow platitudes trying to convince me of the idea that it’s not that bad.

As a therapist, often my job entails encouraging people to enter into the emotional space of their distress. Sometimes, I try to prepare the client by saying something like, “OK, I’m gonna be a little bit of a jerk, but I think we need to move towards your pain if you wish to ultimately come to a place of acceptance.” In reality, self love and acceptance sometimes is found walking on the road of pain, suffering, and difficulty instead of avoiding it or pretending it doesn’t exist.

I don’t know about ya’ll, but I have spent, sometimes, years trying to avoid the parts of my personal story that I don’t like. The parts that invite me to feel shame and regret. It’s almost like I think, “Gosh, if I hate this part of my story, why would I attempt to burden another with the grim reality of what happened? I mean, if I don’t like it, why would anyone else be interested in it?” Shame is the sense of thinking that if anyone else knew this about me, it would influence how they see me; influence their love and acceptance of me.

One interesting aspect of shame is the idea that I’m uniquely broken. No one else could possibly understand me, what I’ve done and what’s happened to me, without coming to the conclusion that I’m flawed or worse. And, in the world of pursuing only the good and positive, I am doubly wrong for needing to share, discuss, and process the unpleasant realities of my experience. So, I, and maybe some of you, may have accepted the idea that I am supposed to deal with my “junk” alone.
Thankfully, I have experienced the gift of being able to share my story with some folks who listened with care, concern, and gentleness. For me, being able to bring myself and story into the light, has helped me love myself more because another loved, accepted, and valued me when I wasn’t able to. I guess it makes sense, most of my hurt has come through experiences with people while the healing I have experienced also has come through loving relationships. So, my encouragement today is the idea that sometimes life is hard, hurts, and it’s more than OK to share this with a friend, spouse, and/or a counselor. Attempting to sweep the ugly under the rug not only doesn’t work, but often just makes things worse.