Trauma and Attachment

Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Time and loving experiences, however, do have the power to heal our attachment systems. What is our attachment system? It’s the part of our brain and nervous system that significantly influences our emotional experience in daily living and our relationships with each other. Our feelings, the emotional reactions and “vibes” that we experience as we walk through the day, according to attachment theory, are primarily shaped by the bonds we formed with primary caregivers in childhood. These early bonds, or attachments, influence how we view ourselves, others, and the world, particularly when it comes to trust, emotional intimacy, and the expectation of care and safety.

One thing I always like to make a distinction about when talking about this topic is the fact that emotional experience and thinking are two separate components of human experience, even though they influence each other. In fact, it is the feeling that often occurs first informing what kind of thought makes sense in that moment. So, when I don’t feel good, it’s hard to have positive thoughts about something.

Trauma, whether it’s from neglect, abuse, abandonment, or other forms of significant emotional or physical harm can disrupt or alter the development of these attachment bonds. When we don’t have safe, healthy bonds our emotional experience never becomes regulated as it is designed to be. Basically, for some of us our emotional experience is much more difficult and chaotic than it is supposed to be. As a result, individuals who have experienced trauma may develop insecure attachment styles, which manifest in various ways in their relationships and interactions with others.
While trauma can deeply affect attachment, it’s important to know that healing is possible. Therapeutic approaches such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT), and Attachment-Based Therapy focus on repairing disrupted attachment patterns by:

* Building emotional safety: Helping individuals feel safe enough to be vulnerable, share emotions, and trust others again.
* Rewriting negative patterns: Helping individuals identify and change destructive relational patterns formed by early trauma.
* Improving emotional regulation: Teaching strategies for managing difficult emotions and improving interpersonal responses.

While it is true that most of the “damage” to my attachment system occurred via my experiences with other people. It is also true that the healing, safety, and emotional security I also crave is to be found with other people. In fact, this is the powerful dynamic available to every couple. The power to heal and harm is available to them everyday. We all carry the impact of past trauma. We all have triggers, and the sense of feeling afraid at times. A loving couple can also learn to support, comfort, and love each other in a way that their attachment system “forgets,” and stops working to prevent past trauma from occurring again.

It really is true that love covers a multitude of sins. We can all have the hope that no matter what happened in the past, the opportunity for new things exists. It can be quite overwhelming trying to confront my own relational attachment pattern, especially if I have past trauma and the difficult emotions that go along with it. But, when I share the truth of who I am and what I’m going through with someone that loves me, it creates the space for new beginnings.