Practice What You Preach
During a recent session, I encouraged a client to start paying attention during the week as to when they found themselves feeling triggered. Many of us have an idea of what this word means, as it’s a common experience for most of us. But, while we may know what it’s like to find ourselves in the emotional intensity of being triggered, we may not have much of an understanding as to what is actually going on. So this week, we’re gonna discuss what an emotional trigger is, why they happen, and some ideas on how to respond to them.
In my experience, my inner insecurities are often what is being activated when I find myself feeling triggered. Now, I don’t know about you, but I really don’t like feeling insecure. I’ve gotten better, but still often find myself reacting and behaving contrary to how I normally would when I feel this way. Sometimes I lash out, sometimes I pull away, both responses, however, are self protective in nature and often seem almost automatic. I can tell myself a billion times not to react the way I do, and yet I still do. So what gives?
Over time, I have learned to be more compassionate with myself when it comes to my reactivity to my emotional experience. Why? Well, emotions just happen. Not by choice. The idea that I need to be in control of my feelings, is very much a misnomer, because emotions happen biologically based on the stimuli received by the 5 senses. In many ways, our emotional experience is the way our body informs us that we need something. Or, something that we need is being threatened or taken away. Feelings are our body’s way of motivating us to action. In short, we are supposed to respond to the feelings we have!
Many of us work hard to maintain “control” of our emotional experiences, even to the point of trying to ignore or disregard them. I like to say that when we do this we are taking our emotions and stuffing them into the chest inside of us, usually with a big padlock. This seems to work, except sometimes something causes the box to open and the emotion comes storming out. In some ways, this is what a trigger is – new stimuli that is similar to unresolved past experience which multiplies the emotion in the moment.
Not wanting to be a hypocrite, I have had to confront some uncomfortable feelings this past week. One of my least favorite emotional spaces involves the fear of embarrassment and humiliation, which often arises when I find myself overwhelmed, having made a mistake, and/or the experience of letting someone I care about down. Multiple times this past week, I found myself reacting defensively, most often when I feel defensive I pull away or shut down, to my roommates over simple things.
I have learned that a major aspect of understanding myself, and responding well to my feelings, requires me to slow down. Prayer and meditation are one of the tools I use, to look inward with curiosity, to explore what my emotional experience is trying to tell me. It is in this place that I am able to practice gratefulness for having a body that does its job. Usually, after a little while what is really going on inside comes to the surface and I now have an opportunity to respond to what I identify as needing, rather than stuffing the feelings in my box. I have learned the more I do this, the less pressure there is in the box which means I am much more able to handle things in the moment because I am less prone to being triggered.
By no means am I perfect when it comes to managing my emotional experience. Sometimes I am grumpy, sometimes aloof. Sometimes I can say things I don’t mean in the moment. Thankfully, I am not alone in my struggle to maintain a positive outlook and treatment to the world and those around me. Which means, much of the time, those close to me that experience me the most are quick to want to forgive when I admit my experience to them. I’d say for me, things calm down the most when I share my experiences with another person. Who do you have in your life that might be willing to listen to you share what’s in your box?
