Sometimes I Don’t Like It (The way I feel about myself)

An unfortunate reality I’ve come to realize in regard to why I sometimes think and feel about myself the way I do is this: Sometimes, my choices have led me to places of shame, guilt, and regret. And yet, sometimes, other people’s choices have greatly impacted me. Occasionally, leading to negative self talk, self condemnation, and a difficulty in my seeming ability to trust other people deeply. An even more unfortunate reality, at the very least one not very fair, is: Regardless of the who and/or why of any internal struggle I may be facing, no matter who’s fault it is, I am the only one responsible for the choices I make in response to my pain, difficult emotions and feelings, and/or catastrophic thinking errors. 

It’s taken me quite awhile, especially in certain areas of my life, to be willing to accept the second, “unfortunate reality,” I mentioned above. I remember as a young child being horribly offended on those occasions where I felt like, “Life wasn’t being fair,” to me. I also remember my Mom’s voice responding to me, ‘Well, my boy, life isn’t fair.” Still grinds my gears thinking about it! And yet, I believe my Mom was right. Quite often life isn’t fair. Some of the wounds, hurts, scars, and shameful memories we carry are due to someone, or something, outside or our willful choice, action, or fault.

In my experience, I have found it much easier to face the difficulties of life when I’m not internally angry because things are difficult. Sometimes, triggers, feelings, and circumstances are uncomfortable, or worse. And this is OK! I don’t have to agree, or like, something that I am going through. But it doesn’t mean I am excused to throw a temper tantrum in response. Part of adulting is learning to take responsibility for my actions, even though I may be upset. For instance, while I may be irritated about an unfair circumstance going on in my life, isn’t it also unfair to those around me if I treat them poorly in protest?

I’m learning that perhaps an aspect of maturity is my willingness to acknowledge my own pain, suffering, and the injustice of it all while continuing to stay in the game of love and respect. If it is true that sometimes life isn’t fair to All of Us, doesn’t the, “All of Us,” aspect of life being unfair.. kind of make it easier to accept? Meaning, I, you, we, all of us, experience injustice. We’re not alone in the experience of being victimized. Obviously, not all in the same way but in some way. I suppose for me, just the idea of not being alone in the experience of life’s journey sometimes being hard makes it easier. If we all are gonna, at least sometimes, have to deal with something, what’s the point of complaining about it when it happens? Admitting something stinks is one thing, avoiding the problem or moaning and groaning about it are another!

None of us escape the reality that life sometimes isn’t fair. Some much more than others, and yet I don’t think empathy requires competition. We’re in this this thing together, and I believe the more you and I acknowledge this idea, the easier it becomes for everybody. One of my favorite aspects of humanity is how each of us is individually unique, and yet we are all similar. My difficulties often are yours, and yours mine. I wonder what would happen if we would allow ourselves to unite together in the midst of struggle, instead of pulling away or lashing out?