Taking Ownership of Your Choices

Here I go again. Over promise and underperform. Except, it’s not even really over promising. It’s more I have a bad habit of avoidance. Take this week for example. Our team here at Solace shares the responsibility of writing a blog for our website each week. I know when the deadline is, and I tell my boss, “Sure! No problem. I’ll get it to you on Thursday.” Except, it’s now Saturday and I’m stressed, feeling guilty and overwhelmed. Why? If I am honest it’s because I have learned over time to give myself permission to be late. There isn’t anyone I can point the finger at, except the man looking at me in the mirror. 

Does this ever happen to you? Something in your life isn’t working. Maybe it’s a work thing. Maybe it’s a relationship that has gone sour. Maybe it’s the dress shirt that doesn’t fit anymore. Bottom line is choices over time become patterns and patterns eventually shape our daily living. For me, taking ownership over the choices I make is scary. I mean, when I’m honest with myself I am the one that has built the experience of how my days go. Sure, many things occur on the daily that are outside of my control, but for the most part I am the reason for so much of my stress.

Why is this so difficult? Why do I find it easier to look out “there” to find my excuse to fail? What makes taking ownership of my life and the choices I make so scary? Why am I more apt to accept unnecessary failure, rather than pushing into the struggle and doing hard things? As I’m writing this and asking myself why, I come to this conclusion: Somewhere, sometime, years ago I decided to accept the experience of being let down as OK. 

I remember as a kid, so often, trusting the words and promises of my parents. Only, time and time again being let down. It happened so often, and I would get so angry. Gosh. Furious. And, the really crummy part was I didn’t have awareness, skills, and maturity to handle my disappointment. Instead, I internalized it, and eventually accepted the idea that being disappointed was how life works so I better get used to it.

I’m 44 years old now. And, it’s embarrassing to admit how broken I am in certain places. It’s even shameful. Looking back, I now have the belief that my parents did the best they could in raising me and my siblings. And yet, here I am having to confront flaws in my character that were previously adopted as a means of survival. Seems so unfair! But, again when I’m honest with myself, I know I’m not the only one who carries the impact of childhood experiences into adulthood. In fact, I’m in good company as we all are learning how to integrate the lessons learned in childhood into our adult lives.

It is said that confession is good for the soul. Nobody has it perfect. We all struggle sometimes. But, we also all have the ability to change. It’s not easy, and sometimes is very painful. But, there is power is taking ownership of our choices, even, perhaps especially, when a pattern of living isn’t working anymore. I can blame my upbringing, the unfairness of it all. I can stay resentful and stuck. Or, I can grow. I don’t have to continue allowing past wounds determine my present day living. But, I have to be willing to own my choices. I may get it wrong, often even. And that’s OK.