Every parent knows kids are challenging: making choices that dictate your child’s future behavior can carry an immense amount of weight when it comes to decision making. Add in another person’s opinion and the ship may feel sunk. While having another person to help make the big decisions in your kid’s life can be a relief, it can also cause stress when you can’t agree on how to parent.
The truth is simple…if you want to provide your kids with the best start in life you and your parenting partner need to get on the same page (whether you are together or separated).
Why do parents need to be consistent?
Parents need to be consistent because kids do well with stability and routine. When parents come together and make dependable choices, kids know what to expect. If watching TV past bedtime results in a day TV ban from mom but no phone for a week from dad, kids become confused.
This undermines both parents’ authority. Further, when parents disagree on how to discipline their child and argue about it in front of their kids, children learn that their parents’ decisions can be undermined. If it doesn’t make sense to mom, maybe she’ll change the punishment!
Parents who disagree with each other’s decisions also create complicated dynamics where favoritism comes into play. If Mom is always harsh and Dad is a pushover, it’s easy for a kid to want to side with Dad.
Kids whose parents lack structure and discipline, and undermine each other’s decisions are likely to act out and feel anxious too, resulting in poor academic performance and emotional upset (in and out of the house).
Whereas, kids view parents who back each other up as a united front, lending credit to their authority. Mom and Dad make decisions together. There’s no getting around that.
As a parent, you’ve got to get on the same page and fast.
So…
How can parents be on the same page?
Learning how to work together as parents is vital to your children’s well-being and it doesn’t have to feel impossible.
It takes two people who want the best for their children and are willing to put their egos aside.
There are a few simple steps parents should take to learn how to parent together.
How to Get on the Same Page with Parenting
1. Figure out your priorities individually.
Before you can communicate to someone else how you hope to parent, you have to get clear for yourself. Take some time to figure out the type of parent you imagine yourself to be. Imagine what your parents were like and the things they did that you liked and didn’t. Even if you are far in the parenting process, it never hurts to redefine the type of parent you want to be!
2. Once you have gained some personal clarity, communicate.
In any healthy relationship, communication is key; which means communication must happen hundreds of times. In an initial conversation about parenting, share your hopes for being an ideal parent with your parenting partner. Don’t forget to share your fears too. When someone else understands where you are coming from, it makes it easier to support you and your decisions.
3. Listen.
Part of communicating is listening too. Be intentional about hearing what they have to say. You need to understand where they are coming from too if you want to be on the same page. Ask questions. Make sure you feel clear about what they envision as their ideal parenting self.
4. Reflect.
Despite your best intentions, you will mess up. You will get angry and say something you regret or act in a way that didn’t feel was your best effort. So will your parenting partner. Taking time to reflect and celebrate each other’s wins and encourage each other after making mistakes is a never-ending part of the communication process. Rather than criticize each other, discuss the ways you feel your ideal parents would have gone about the situation and how you can handle the same situation differently when it inevitably happens in the future.
IMPORTANT NOTE: NONE of these conversations should take place in front of your children. As the adults, you and your partner’s disagreements are grown-up conversations that happen in private or with a family therapist. To be a united front, you must support each other in front of your children. If, and when, you disagree you must discuss it out of earshot. You don’t have to agree with everything your parenting partner does. However, when you criticize and undermine them in front of your kids, you both lose authority as parents.
These steps are simple when you have a willing parenting partner, but what happens when your partner doesn’t support your parenting?
Challenging parenting dynamics arise often in separation situations, especially if the relationship ended on bad terms. While it can feel impossible to work with someone who has hurt you, acts stubbornly, and may talk behind your back, you owe it to your child to try.
If your ex is willing, sit down and talk through what parenting looks like now that you are no longer together. If the conversation seems to spiral out of control, seek out family counseling. A therapist can hold a neutral space for parents to work through upset as well as define clear boundaries about how to raise children together and work through a complicated relationship.
No matter what, don’t talk badly about the other parent. This may seem obvious, but badmouthing another parent only does damage to your children and forces them to choose a side.
For happy, healthy kids get on the same page! Sit down and talk, include a therapist, whether married or separated a neutral facilitator is always a PLUS, communicate what type of parent you want to be and where you feel you are succeeding/failing, and most importantly, support each other.
Parenthood is hard, have each other’s backs!
