The “Four Horsemen” theory provided by Dr. John Gottman, addresses four communication styles that are shown to ruin relationships. Don’t want yours ruined? Read on.
What is the most harmful of Gottman’s 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse?
All four communication styles (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) do considerable harm to a relationship making it hard to determine which horseman is the most harmful. Depending on the severity and the frequency with which you and your partner rely on these four doomed communication styles, the most harmful will vary. For this article, we will focus on the 1st horseman: criticism.
Criticism is considered to be the most common of the four horsemen.
What is criticism?
Criticism is different than being negative or complaining, although it relies on those characteristics as well. When you criticize someone, it usually includes a lot of blame which varies from a complaint. An example of a complaint would be: “this food tastes awful.” An example of criticism would be: “you did a terrible job making this dish.”
Often, in romantic relationships, blame is a result of bottled-up feelings. Perhaps your partner has a pattern of telling you they will help out with the laundry, but when the time comes the laundry remains dirty or unfolded. It’s not a problem until what feels like the one-hundredth time rolls around and then you blow up. You always tell me you will do the laundry and you never do it. You never stick to what you say you will do.
That’s criticism.
Criticism is understandable.
In relationships, you and your partner will do things that frustrate each other so learning how to talk about these frustrations without resentment or blame is crucial. Criticism is also a dangerous communication style to rely on because it makes people feel attacked, insecure, isolated, and resentful – feelings no one wants to feel in their relationship. Criticism also disrupts vulnerability because the person being criticized no longer feels liked for who they are. Luckily, there are many practical approaches!
What is the antidote to criticism?
Here are a few tips to help you avoid criticism.
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Collect Yourself
When you feel yourself getting upset with something your partner is doing, or not doing, take a deep breath. The first step of communication is always to gather your thoughts and center yourself so you can address the problem from a place of balance rather than reaction.
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Remove the Blame
What is the core problem of the upset? What need is not being met? How can you communicate that to your partner without assigning blame?
Instead of: “I am always running late because of you.”
Try: “Tomorrow I have that important meeting. It would mean a lot to me if we could be on time.”
The difference is in how you present the problem.
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Watch Out for “You” Statements
If you hear yourself start to say “you always” or “you never,” you are heading in a bad direction. Accusing your partner with a “you” statement will put them on the defensive and likely, lead to no resolution.
Instead of: “You never make time for me.”
Try: “I really want to connect with you. Can you make some time for me this week?”
While both statements are saying the same thing, one expresses the need and the other expresses the hurt. Most of the time, we bring up a problem because we feel unappreciated or unloved. When you address challenges and upset with your partner, think about what you want and need from the situation so you can clearly communicate that rather than accusing them and hoping they’ll figure it out.
Be Wary of Criticism
Criticism opens the door for the other horsemen (contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling); this is why it’s considered the first horseman of the four. When you shut down criticism, you make it harder for the other three horsemen to ride into your relationship.
Key Points
Criticism creates an ugly and harmful divide in relationships by making each partner feel isolated and insecure. When you approach the problem hoping for a solution rather than focusing on what your partner did wrong, you will strengthen your connection instead of damaging it. While criticism and complaints express similar sentiments, complaints can address upset in a way that allows your needs to be met rather than accusing your partner of what they are doing wrong. Come from your heart, express your feelings, and clearly communicate what you need to change that way you and your partner can skip the drama.
Learn more about the four horsemen and criticism here.
