We’ve explored criticism (if you haven’t, click here), we’ve dived into contempt (here), now let’s discuss defensiveness.

What is Defensiveness?

Defensiveness is pretty easy to recognize…it happens when you or your partner are trying to shift the blame away from yourself. Defensiveness is usually a result of feeling attacked or criticized; this is why if you work to avoid contempt and criticism, you are less likely to trigger a defensive reaction. When defensiveness rears its ugly head, it usually shows up in excuses or invalidation (rejecting another person’s experience).

Similar to contempt and criticism, defensiveness does nothing to help solve a problem but instead, worsens it, often escalating an argument to the point of no resolution. 

Defensiveness In Relationships

Examples:

I don’t know why it always falls on me to clean up the house, you could take it upon yourself to do. 

I know I said I’d do it, but what’s the big deal? Why do you care so much?

Well, you said you would… 

As you may be able to tell, defensiveness often arises when a partner has made a promise that they didn’t keep and instead of taking responsibility, they defend themselves by pointing out a frustration they have. When you and your partner engage in defensive communication, no one gets heard and because you aren’t listening to each other, the problem remains a problem. 

So, how do you avoid defensiveness communication?

1. Drop the Blame Game

Take responsibility. There’s a reason the saying, it takes two to tango, comes up when people talk about relationships. You and your partner each have a role to play in the problem. Although one person may have a bigger part, if both parties can own up to their part of the problem, the discussion is far more likely to end on a positive note. So stop pointing fingers and fess up so you can work together. 

2. Draw the Team Card

When you take responsibility, you and your partner can get on the same page and face the problem together rather than divided. This means that problems can actually be solved and can deepen your relationship with one another as you learn how to move through tough conversations and situations together.

3. Listen 

Often, defensiveness means that neither partner is listening to the other because both sides are trying to explain, justify, or pin the blame somewhere else. When you are doing this, you are coming from a place of reaction. Stop. Rather than thinking about your perspective of things, pay attention to what your partner is saying to you. Reflective listening can help you which you can learn about here. 

4. Validate 

Have you ever noticed that when you tell someone, you are right, it stops the fight? Obviously, you need to believe what you are saying, but validating the frustration or upset your partner is expressing is a sure way to avoid defensive communication. This validation should be returned so both you and your partner feel heard and understood. No reason to be defensive when you are on the same page.

5. Watch Your Body 

Be mindful of your body language when you and your partner are arguing. Jerking away, rolling your eyes, and crossing your arms are all negative body cues. While it’s understandable to feel frustrated and want to pull away, remember that healing and connection happen in spaces where both parties can listen, be heard, and feel understood. To avoid defensive reactions, pay attention to what your body is saying and ask your partner to do the same. 

6. Get to the Core 

If you read about the first two horsemen (or any other blog posts on relationships and communication), you know that getting to the core issue is always the answer. What are you feeling? What are your wants and needs? Express those without blame, criticism, or contempt and you and your partner will be in the clear.

Bottom Line?

Be adults. Take responsibility for your actions, listen to your partner so you can understand their feelings, validate, remain open and undefensive in your body language, and get to the root cause. When you and your partner engage like that, you’ll find your relationship strengthened and your connection deepened. Stay away from excuses and take radical responsibility!