The last of the four horsemen…stonewalling. Like defensiveness (here), it’s usually a response to criticism (here), and contempt (here).
What is stonewalling?
You can probably guess exactly what stonewalling is – it’s when someone shuts down completely. When someone stonewalls they became unresponsive and unengaged, preventing a conversation from moving forward.
Stonewalling happens when a person becomes psychologically flooded, Gottman explains more here. In other words, a person shuts down when they become overwhelmed. Stonewalling can even be a fight, flight, or freeze response, meaning a conversation has triggered someone’s survival reactions. While shutting down during difficult conversations is understandable, it becomes a serious problem in long-term relationships when it becomes a habit. When a partner is prone to stonewalling, communication becomes limited and in turn, resolution becomes rare.
You know someone is stonewalling when they…
- Stop making eye contact
- Pretend you aren’t there
- Have no response to what you are saying
- Act like they aren’t hearing you
It’s pretty obvious when it happens, but can be detrimental in long-term relationships where hard conversations are inevitable and problems need solving through communication.
So, how do you avoid stonewalling?
-
Stop the Conversation
The fourth horseman is the only one that does not require getting to the core of the problem and expressing your needs. When someone is stonewalling, they are feeling overwhelmed to the point where no productive or meaningful conversation will take place. The best thing at that point is to pause communication and take a break.
-
Leave
Physically leaving the room or space where the conversation is happening is what Gottman recommends. Go on a walk. Meditate. Get your heart rate up. Do something else for at least 20 minutes (that’s how long is psychologically required for someone to stop feeling overwhelmed). After that you can come back to the conversation.
-
Make a Plan to Pick Up the Conversation
Stonewalling does not mean the conversation is over because you or your partner needs to take a break. There must be an agreement that the conversation will be picked back up. It’s even better, if you two can set a time to pick the conversation up again. No matter how upsetting something is (especially, if it’s upsetting), both of you owe it to the relationship to come back together and work through it.
-
Devise a Signal
If you or your partner have a habit of stonewalling, it’s a good idea to come up with a signal for when it happens in the future. A person who frequently stonewalls likely feels paralyzed and uncommunicative in a space of overwhelm. While you and your partner would ideally communicate this overwhelm, it may not feel possible in the moment. Coming up with a physical gesture that indicates “too much upset to talk reasonably” can ease stonewalling situations. If it’s a ridiculous one (neutral, not hateful), it might make you both laugh and break up the tension.
-
Pay Attention to Body Language
If you know stonewalling is a habit of yours that you would like to break, start paying close attention to your body language. Often, when feeling overwhelmed, you will pull away, cross your eyes, stop making eye contact, and stop speaking. If you start to notice these signs, communicate to your partner that you are beginning to feel overwhelmed and ask for a moment to gather your thoughts.
At the end of the day…
Pay attention to how you are showing up in your relationship. Notice your negative communication styles that resort to criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. Know that these styles of communication can endanger your relationship by eroding the foundation of trust, intimacy, and connection.
To avoid the four horsemen, be honest with yourself and your partner. Take accountability for how you show up and recognize where you would like to shift. Long-term relationships involve challenges so don’t beat yourself up if these horsemen arise. However, take it upon yourself to consciously and intentionally change your behavior so you and your partner can converse and connect on a deeper level bringing the two of you together to live a happy horseman-free life.
