Ever notice that self-talk voice inside of your head that goes on and on? It’s probably narrating this for you right now! Whether we are conscious of it or not, there is a little voice in our head chattering constantly. Becoming aware of how this voice talks about YOU is a crucial part of self-care.
What Does Self-Talk Look Like?
Self-talk is your inner monologue; it’s the voice in your head that tells you that you look tired or you are nervous to see someone or that you should go to bed, but you really don’t want to. It talks so frequently that we often tune it out. This is a HUGE problem.
Why?
It’s a problem because when we don’t pay attention to the voice in our head, it says whatever it wants and often, it says not-so-nice things. Paying attention to self-talk allows you to gain control over this voice so you can use it to feel confident and powerful.
Self-Talk Examples
First, it’s important to recognize there is positive and negative self-talk.
Positive Self-Talk Examples
Athletes use positive self-talk to succeed with their training – that’s how they power through challenging games and workouts! Positive self-talk can be applied to physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of your life and personality. Some specific examples of positive self-talk are:
I can do this.
I deserve to be happy.
I love my body because it’s mine.
My mind is sharp and focused.
When I set my mind to something, I am unstoppable.
I forgive myself for the mistakes I have made because they have helped me grow.
I know myself, I love myself, I trust myself.
Negative Self-Talk Examples
Negative self-talk is incredibly common and tends to fall into 4 categories.
- Personalizing: the problem is personally your responsibility.
- Polarizing: things are one way or the other; right or wrong.
- Magnifying: the bad is over-highlighted while the good is minimized.
- Catastrophizing: the outlook is negative and the worst is expected.
Some specific examples of negative self-talk are:
I can’t do anything right.
I don’t deserve to be happy.
I am ugly and fat – nobody wants me.
I am too stupid.
I am a failure.
I make too many mistakes.
I hate myself.
Why is self-talk important?
If you read the examples, you probably know the difference. While positive self-talk builds a stronger relationship with yourself, negative self-talk belittles you, shames you, and makes you feel bad about yourself. Even reading the sentence I hate myself doesn’t feel good. When you tell yourself unkind things over and over, you begin to believe them. In other words, you are creating your confidence and reality with your own thoughts. So why not turn your inner-monologue into a personal cheerleader rather than a Debbie-downer? Before you come up with any excuses, know there are actual HEALTH benefits to positive self-talk. They include…
- Stronger immune system
- Lowered stress and rates of depression
- Improved heart health
- Less pain
- Higher confidence
- Increased resilience
- Stronger relationships
How to Self-Talk
1. Recognize
The first step to changing your self-talk (and your relationship with yourself) is to recognize negative thoughts. You can do this in a few ways…
Journal
- Journaling consistently about how you feel gives you the opportunity to go back and recognize negative thoughts.
Check-in When Upset
- When you notice yourself in a mood, pay EXTRA attention to your thoughts. What triggered your upset? What do you default to saying to yourself when you are feeling down?
Be Mindful of Relationships
- Often, the people in our life can bring up insecurities and negative thoughts. Most of the time, they don’t mean it in a toxic way (if they do, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship which you can learn how to do here), but noting who brings up negative feelings can help you identify your negative thoughts. Essentially, pay attention to the voice that’s talking in your head. What stories does it like to repeat? What insecurities does it bring up? What events bring out its negative voice? Learning what, who, where, when, and why negative self-talk is prominent allows you to prepare and address those not-so-nice thoughts so you can ultimately reframe them to be POSITIVE.
2. Reframe
Once you become aware of your negative inner monologue, you can work to reframe it. Take the negatives and turn them into positives.
Examples:
Negative thought: I can’t do anything right.
Reframe: I am trying my best. I believe in my ability to succeed and if I fail, I will learn from it.
Negative thought: I don’t deserve to be happy.
Reframe: I deserve to be happy and I want to be happy. I am a good person who deserves good things.
Negative thought: I am ugly and fat – nobody wants me.
Reframe: From today forward, I am focusing on learning to love myself. My worth is not dependent on other people. I am enough as I am.
These reframes are in-the-moment actions that work to disrupt your negative thought patterns. If you notice yourself saying something unkind, think STOP, and then consider how you can reframe it toward the positive. You can still work on changing things about yourself, you just don’t need to beat yourself up while doing it.
3. Positive Affirmations
As you recognize and reframe, it helps to also incorporate positivity on its own.
Therapy
- Learning about yourself in a safe space with a third party is a great way to get to know yourself better. Not only can therapy help you recognize your negative thoughts, but it can help with reframing and reaffirming positive thoughts as well. Therapy is a great self-care tool!
Mirror Mantras
- What if you started your day off with confidence? Instead of looking in the mirror and thinking about how tired you look, you say to yourself: I love myself and I am looking forward to what this day has in store. These positive mantras can be in the second person as well. You are confident and capable. You are talented and creative. You are going to kick this day’s butt! It may feel inauthentic or ridiculous in the beginning, but the more you practice it, the more your brain believes it (just like it does when you tell yourself negative things). Besides, who cares? No one has to know!
Affirmations
- Write down nice things about yourself. Positive affirmations can help you retrain your brain toward kindness. Make a list of things you feel good about or are working on feeling good about. If you feel comfortable, write them on sticky notes and post them around the house. You can also set alarms on your phone that remind you of these kind thoughts throughout the day. The more personal these affirmations are, the more true they will feel and the easier they will be to remember.
Here are some general examples:
I love myself as I am.
I forgive myself for mistakes I have made.
I am learning to love myself.
I live at ease with who I am.
I accept myself as I am.
Negative self-talk will WEIGH YOU DOWN. If you wouldn’t talk to another person like you talk to yourself then it’s time to STOP. You can retrain your thoughts to be kind and when you do, you will feel happier, make healthier choices, and lean into loving yourself.
