Before we dive into how thinking errors negatively impact communication, let’s discuss what is meant by a “thinking error.” 

What are some common thinking errors?

If you want to learn about the psychological exploration of thinking errors, you’ll want to familiarize yourself with the names Aaron Beck and David Burns, both of whom you can learn more about here. 

The simplified version is that thinking errors, or cognitive distortions, are thought patterns that your brain tends to use as a shortcut to reach a conclusion. These thinking errors present false stories and facts that make you feel bad. This is why it’s important to recognize when you are relying on one, especially when communicating with your partner. 

Types of Thinking Errors  

Here are a few types of thinking errors and how they can impact your communication with your partner (you’ll notice that quite of few of them overlap). 

1. Polarization

When you fall into polarized thinking, you think things are black and white. This often presents itself when someone is making judgments and deciding whether something that happened was good or bad. When communicating with your partner, this type of thinking error doesn’t leave room for the complexities of the situation and easily shuts the conversation down. Remember, there are MANY sides to an issue or conversation, being willing to hear or share multiple perspectives allows for deeper communication.

2. Overgeneralization 

This type of thinking error happens when you or someone else takes something that happened a few times and uses it to represent a pattern. Sound familiar? It happens all the time in relationships. You happen to come home late ONCE and suddenly, your partner is saying ALWAYS (never/always statements can also fall under black and white thinking). Make sure that you and your partner are accurate with assessments of how many times something is happening, that way both sides feel fairly seen and represented. 

3. Personalization 

If you know the saying, don’t take things so personally, then you are already familiar with this thinking error. Personalization refers to the inaccurate thought that something that happened has to do with you (and more often than not, it’s negative thought). Maybe your partner forgot to text you back and instead of assuming they were busy at work, you assumed you did something wrong and that they are mad at you. Most of the time, we get wrapped up in our thoughts and think others are paying the same amount of attention to us. When you find yourself doing this, or accusing someone of something, take a moment to think: is this really about me?

4. Filtering 

Filtering is similar to polarization where only good or bad are emphasized. You’ll notice this happens when you have a bad day. Of course, that’s the day you spill coffee on yourself AND stub your toe after forgetting about an important meeting. The truth is: because you were in a bad mood, you noticed all of the bad things that happened. There were good things that happened during that day too. When you do this in relationships, you and your partner fail to recognize all sides of each other. When communicating make sure you are seeing the bad and the good in one another. (If appreciation is a challenge in your long-term relationship, check out this article.)

5. Jumping to Conclusions

We all know what this one is: when you assume that you know exactly how the other person is thinking or feeling, assume that they know what you are thinking or feeling, or assume you know what will happen in the future. Usually, you are wrong. When you are having a conversation with your partner, you must take a moment to consider WHY you thought what you did. You aren’t a mind reader and neither is your partner and you can’t predict the future. Step back, get present, and listen to each other without assuming the worst about one another or what the future holds. 

6. Maximizing/Minimizing 

Maximizing/minimizing is two-sided coin where neither is the better option. When you maximize, a small problem becomes a BIG problem and when you minimize, you downplay how big of a problem something is (you can do both of these things in a positive way too, such as underplaying a significant achievement). In the realm of communication, minimizing and maximizing will not get you anywhere. You and your partner need to be open, honest, and realistic about how problematic or exciting something is so you can handle it or celebrate it as needed. 

7. Blaming

This one is simple: blaming is not taking responsibility for yourself. It’s also a problem in a relationship where both parties need to be willing to step up and hold themselves accountable. Blaming is a common thinking error that when expressed to your partner will get you nothing but a defensive reaction. Take a deep breath, consider your role in it, and move forward accordingly. 

8. Emotional Reasoning 

Everyone is entitled to their feelings AND…feelings aren’t facts. This common thinking error leads people to believe that just because they have a thought or a feeling, it is true. Thoughts and feelings are complicated and there are many driving factors behind their origin, so be wary of telling someone “I feel like…” and stating it like a fact. Dig behind the feelings to express WHY you are feeling that way. When you and your partner can communicate the whys behind your feelings, you have a better chance of understanding one another and communicating effectively.

If you want to learn more about other thinking errors, check out this article.

Who cares about thinking errors?

You do. 

Have you ever had a conversation with someone who minimized your upset or focused on all of the things you were doing wrong while not acknowledging how hard you were trying? It doesn’t feel good, in fact, it often feels like you are being attacked. Most of the time, these thinking errors put you or your partner in a position of defense. Once you or your partner are communicating defensively, the conversation quickly spirals out of control. 

To avoid defensive communication in relationships, you want to keep an eye out for those thinking errors, and when you notice them pop up, take a moment to breathe and sort through your thoughts. You don’t want to come from a place of pure reaction. 

You can also…

-Take a moment to remind yourself that you are good and assume others are trying their best as well (instead of assuming the worst of yourself and others)

-Use I statements (“I feel like you’re a jerk” does not count) 

-Stop and listen to what the other person is saying (reflective listening is a great tool, check it out here)

-Know you will be wrong and don’t be afraid to admit it (no one likes Mr. Always Right)

The Bottom Line 

Be critical of your thoughts, recognize when you are relying on thinking errors, and be intentional with how you and your partner communicate.